Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
