last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
