he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
