if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
