Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
