I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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