my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
