whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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