Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
