I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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