I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize