Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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