you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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