I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
