why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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