Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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