I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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