he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
