final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
