I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
