i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
