the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
