He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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