why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
