well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
