No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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