Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
