either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
