I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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