My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize