I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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