He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
