Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
