Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize