That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
