Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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