You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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