May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
