Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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