He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I AM VODKA MAN
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
