He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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