i need an iv and a liver transplant
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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