I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
