The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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