Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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