I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
