he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize