Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
