Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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