There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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