So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
