she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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