I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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