my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
