It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize