Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
