Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize