So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
