I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
