The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
