Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
